First there was the J.O.B. scam, now there is the far more sinister sounding W.O.R.K. virus which promises to destroy your life.
Like most viruses, WORK has already spread at an alarming rate, infecting almost every adult on the planet.
Most of those people who have not yet been infected are, contrary to opinion, not smart.
They are simply too lazy to click to run the virus.
Beware, Voyeurwebbers!
There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it. The next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
This virus is DEADLY(Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster).
Update 08-08-08: After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.
Now you’ve read the email forward you know it’s a hoax.
For some people making money and having fun is what life is all about.
The following 8 methods could possibly guarantee you both, but come with a severe health warning -
If you try any of them be sure to check your ‘picking the soap up in the shower‘ technique -
It’ll come in handing after you get jailed!!!
1. CREATE A PSYCHIC SCAM
One of the best facts about psychic scam artists is the fact that virtually no-one ever asks them to prove their abilities.
If someone asks a question you are unable to answer then you can fake your way out of the predicament by saying that your powers don’t work like that.
You then simply continue babbling about a load of rubbish whilst taking their money from them.
The hot tip for faking psychic readings is to be vague - as soon as you start giving out any useful information you’re gonna get yourself into trouble.
You can see how easy it is to appear to be psychic by watching Derren Brown.
2. MAKE YOUR OWN PYRAMID SCHEME
Pyramid schemes, also known as ‘Ponzis‘ are for suckers.
Only those who create them, or get in early, make any money from them.
The other 99%+ of members lose everything they invest.
Therefore, the key here is to be the founder of your very own pyramid scheme - 15 Ways To Make Pyramid Profits And Get Away With It - and to then profit from your downline packed full of hopeless biz op seekers.
Top tip here is to never actually call your pyramid scheme a pyramid.
Instead, call it multi level marketing - this cunning ploy seems to add an air of legitimacy to many such shady businesses.
3. STEAL SOMEONE’S IDENTITY
If it’s good for the Nigerians then it’s good for you.
If people who can’t write or even spell English can con dozens of people per day then you should have much more success.
Even if only one person in a million falls for your transparently fraudulent emails then business will still be good - you’ll be emailing a million people a day!
What do you need to do?
Simple - choose a popular bank, clone an exact copy of their website and then bulk mail millions of people asking them to update their personal details as part of a security review.
Not only will you be able to empty the bank accounts of anyone who is stupid enough to reply, you may also be able to take their entire identity.
Then the fun can really begin!
4. COPY SOMEONE ELSE’S PRON SITE
This is a ridiculously easy way to make money.
How? you ask -
Firstly, register a website in an obscure country that has no meaningful laws.
Georgia is best right now as the Russians are playing merry hell with their infrastructure, especially their internet access.
Secondly, visit loads of pron sites and copy all their pictures and videos, just like they did when they set their site up.
Lastly, paste all those pics and video clips into your own site and then charge a membership fee to the desperados who arn’t getting any at home.
Even if your content is rubbish no-one will complain because of the subject matter.
Not only that, but you’re offshore anyway.
5. DRESS UP AND BEG
We’ve all seen the beggars who get dropped at stations by their chauffeurs in their flash cars and then sit in the busiest areas with nothing but a beard and an ugly looking dog.
They make money, and lots of it too.
The smart beggar, however, knows the value of culture.
Why wait around all day collecting pennies when there is a simple way to go straight for the dollars?
Put on your suit and pretend to have lost your train ticket.
Approach old ladies as they tend to be the most gullible and will surely give a ‘businessman’ the money he needs to get home.
6. WRITE YOUR OWN ‘MAKE MONEY ONLINE’ EBOOK
This one is so simple, it should be criminal.
Write a book about how to make money online.
Heck, write a 5 page report, that’ll probably be enough.
Actually, don’t even worry about content, just pick 5 compelling titles, that’ll probably suffice.
Create a website with pictures of fast cars, beaches and beautiful women.
Lie and say that the information in your ebook bought you all of those things.
The ‘make money online’ sheep are so dumb they’ll believe it, buy your trash and then blame themselves for not making it work.
They’ll then go looking for new information on how to ‘make money online without actually doing anything’ so be sure to have several other similar sites waiting for them.
7. BEAT A COFFIN TO THE NEXT DEAD BODY
If you’re a woman then getting married to just about anyone is recommended.
Get yourself a few kids and then divorce him for ‘no fault’ before retiring to a comfortable life of alimony and child support.
Men, however, need to be a little more devious.
You need to follow Anna Nicole Smith’s example and marry someone who has an imminent date with God.
That way you won’t need to push her around in that wheelchair for too long before collecting that big inheritance.
8. SELL RUBBISH ON AN ONLINE AUCTION SITE
If you visit online auction sites then you’ll know that people try and sell all sorts of rubbish on them.
If you market your junk right then there’s no reason why you can’t get in on the profits too.
The best buyers to target are the religious nuts as they are quite fanatical and have plenty of cash.
Take any household object and paint the face of Mary on it.
Multiply the cost of the object by 1,000, sit back and relax, watch the fools bid it up to some unholy amount.
CAN YOU THINK OF ANY MORE FUN AND PROFITABLE WAYS OF WORKING YOUR WAY INTO JAIL ???
President Bush, previously renowned for taking little interest in the threat of Global Warming, last night vowed to tackle the problem head on.
Speaking from The White House, George W. Bush promised to make climate change the main focus for his remaining time in office.
The President went on to outline his plans for saving the planet from the brink of destruction.
To show how seriously he took the issue, Bush last night ordered more than 21,000 troops to stand ready, pending an all out attack on the sun.
MILITARY ACTION
The President explained that he saw direct military action against the fiery gas giant as being the only way forward.
When questioned by an attending journalist, Bush defended the use of American troops in the operation, citing the breakdown in diplomatic efforts as a cue for more persuasive methods to be employed.
In a long awaited 30 minute prime time address from the White House library Mr Bush acknowledged that his administration should have acted sooner.
He said that it had been a mistake not to deploy American troops much earlier, especially as the sun continually failed to respond to his own very personal appeals for a peaceful resolution.
ECONOMIC CONSEQUENCES
Considering the President’s previous ambivalence to Global Warming it was unsurprising, perhaps, that journalists chose to question his 180 degree turn in policy.
After intense questioning Mr Bush finally had to concede that his change of heart was financially motivated -
“The economic consequences of ignoring Global Warming are severe”, said the President, who added, “if the planet were to be completely destroyed by rising temperatures then America would lose several good trade partners”.
The President finished the press conference by saying, “It is our solemn duty as Americans to face this threat to our economy face on. We will not bow down in the face of interplanetary terrorism”.
PROTECTING AMERICANS
Following the President’s departure from the stand, various White House officials were on hand to field the barrage of questions from the attending press.
A leading National Security Advisor confirmed that protection of the interests of the United States of America and it’s people was the number one concern.
He confirmed that ‘a government think tank had been set up to sort through the many conflicting opinions on Global Warming’.
The spokesman went on to add that the working group were considering all possible solutions and would especially like to hear from anyone who can back up their claims with scientific facts.
“To this end, we are in the process of setting up a ‘Bring Us Real News’ website, otherwise known as “BURN”", he said.
A spokeswoman from the Treasury then arrived to confirm that The White House will seek an extra $666bn of funding from Congress for the new initiative, including $5.6bn for troop deployment, $8.4bn for spacecraft and the remainder for undisclosed miscellaneous expenses.
BUSH’S SOFTENING ATTITUDE TO GLOBAL WARMING
In order to further reinforce the President’s apparent warming to the looming crisis of climate change the White House then took the unprecedented step of issuing an official video clip to popular video sharing website YouTube -
Disclaimer : the above post is satire, if you believe it then you need your head examining!!!
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Friday, August 29, 2008
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